


Til The End of The Train Line

by buckykin (cockletcat)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 20:52:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18668161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cockletcat/pseuds/buckykin
Summary: Bucky tries to ride the train by himself, it goes poorly.





	Til The End of The Train Line

The doors for the train close, Bucky lets out a sigh of relief. He’s finally tackling this stupid shit.

The seats aren’t completely uncomfortable, but they’re not exactly recliners either. It’s about 8:50am - he wanted to try and do this early just in case he got lost. Not that he will, he hopes.

As the train starts moving, Bucky observes the cabin. Besides from him there’s only one other passenger. A map of the train system is by either door, it looks like a tangled web, each major stop a square. The other stops are circles. On the front and backs of the cabin there’s a monitor showing how much time is remaining for each stop.

The train comes into the next station and the doors open. The other passenger stays on but a crowd steps into the cart. They’re loud and angry that they’re late for work. Bucky counts 16 people while they all find seats.

He feels himself get a bit clammy as he realises that over half the seats have been taken and this is only the second stop. The train starts back up, next stop is in 3 minutes. That’s gotta be enough time to figure out an emergency escape plan, right? 

But what if it isn’t enough time to decide what to do, what if the same amount of people come on the next stop? What if, what if, what if? The question races in his mind, he needs to calm down, do a breathing exercise like Steve is always telling him to do.

What if he can’t breath properly? It’s stupid, of course he can breathe! How long was he meant to hold it for again? Who cares, a deep breath is better than nothing!!

Before he can even inhale, the next stop is drawing near. Out the window he can see 11 people. That’s too many, he needs to leave. He stands up and waits at the door, desperate to get out. 

It opens and he gets out. He watches the people get on. Logically, he KNOWS he could have tried to find another, less crowded cart. But that’s if there even is one. If there wasn’t he knows he would be in complete freak out mode.

Once the train leaves and is out of sight, he cries. He can’t even do this one, simple, stupid thing that everyone else can do just fine.

He sits down at a bench, it’s a small station which has its pros and cons. The biggest pro is that he’s pretty much the only person here, which means he gets a seat to himself.  
The biggest con is that he has NO idea where he is.

He gets up to read the map and timetable near the stairs, no trains for another 20 minutes. 

He could wait for another train, it’s possible. But if he has another panic, the next one will be worse and he doesn’t think he can deal with that right now.

He walks up the stairs, this is the better decision, he tried. He can say he tried. He lasted a whole 2 stops. What a shit effort. 

As he reaches the top he realises he’s crying again. Stupid, idiot, moron. Why is he crying over something so stupid. It’s not the end of the fucking world.

But the tears keep flowing.

He makes his way into a disabled bathroom, he’s technically disabled, right? He washes his face and looks into the mirror. The sight of his own red, puffed up face makes him cry harder.

He puts the toilet cover down and sits down. He feels his phone in his back pocket. Steve. Steve will know what to do. He ALWAYS knows.

He grabs the phone, fumbling it a few times due to his shaky hands. He doesn’t have many contacts but it still takes him a good few seconds to get into Steve’s contact. It barely rings once before it’s picked up.

“Hey Buck, what’s up?”

Just hearing his voice calms Bucky down.

“I- I need help” he stutters, trying to steady his voice. He’s fooling no one.

“Are you crying? What’s going on?”

Through sobs Bucky explains the story, Steve telling him to breathe every time he chokes up.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I can come pick you up if you’d like.”  
“I would like that, thanks.”  
“No, thank you for calling me. I’ll be right there. Text me the address.”

Waiting for Steve feels like hours, but he’s there as soon as he can be. As soon as he sees Bucky he waves, Bucky waves back. Steve looks both ways before crossing the street and makes his way over.

Bucky wishes he could bury himself into his chest so badly, but they’re in public, he can’t. Instead he grabs Steve’s hand. Their fingers close together and Steve gives a small squeeze. Bucky sighs in relief, he’s safe. 

“Can we sit down somewhere?” Bucky asks. Steve rubs his thumb over Bucky’s.  
“Of course, do you have anything in mind?”  
“No, I just don’t want to be here.”

Before they start walking, Steve takes his backpack off to get a water bottle out for Bucky, knowing he has probably lost a bit of fluid. Bucky drinks almost all in one go. He finishes it off and hands it to Steve, who passes him a new bottle, also filled with water.

He takes a small sip, but holds onto the bottle, knowing he’ll need something to keep his hands busy while they walk. They can’t hold hands while they walk, both of them get too anxious, too scared to be distracted, too exhausted to deal with on lookers. It’s already bad enough.

Steve leads them to a small park, it’s not completely secluded or anything, but they are the only ones there. If there is trouble, both of them have already mapped out an escape in their heads. Steve sits under a tree and pats the ground, an invitation.

Bucky joins him and Steve grabs his hand, locking them together once more. It’s nice. Bucky drinks some more water while Steve one-handedly takes off his backpack. Holding it in his free hand, he twists his mouth on the zipper and opens it up. 

“Very impressive,” Bucky laughs. Steve grins and pecks his cheek. He reaches into the bag and grabs out two sandwiches. Bucky can tell they’re both salad sandwiches, he can smell that they have ham as the meat.

They let go of each other to eat, Bucky practically inhales his and Steve gives him another from the backpack.

Before taking a huge bite Steve asks, “so, can you tell me about what happened before? Are you okay?”  
Bucky gives an okay hand sign while he’s finishing up his own mouthful, “yeah, I’m fine now, thanks to you. Thank you.”  
“You don’t have to thank me, just doing my duty,” Steve salutes Bucky and gets a grin in return.  
“Oh, _thank you_ mighty Captain America!”

The pair laugh for a little bit before Steve tries again, “do you want to talk about it?”  
“I just freaked out, I don’t really remember what happened. I was okay and then I wasn’t.”  
“Do you remember if anything specific happened?”  
“I- I guess there was a lot of people at once? And they were loud. And angry,” Bucky turns away, unbearably aware of the tears forming. Steve pulls him into his lap and kisses his head.

Bucky drops his head into his hands and cries. Steve wraps his hands around his waist and waits for him to let it out. He’s patient. Bucky doesn’t deserve him. 

Steve repositions him so that he’s crying into his chest, so Bucky can lay into his neck if he wants. Steve rubs his back gently and he buries his face even deeper into his chest. Steve hums softly, and the pair make their own noises until it’s over.

“You okay, Buck?”  
Bucky wipes his nose on his sleeve, “yeah I think I’m good, I just-“. He stops talking, he doesn’t want to say it. He knows it’ll just make Steve feel bad, what’s the point, it’s not gonna make him feel any better.

“What?”  
“I really don’t want to talk about it”  
“Please? You don’t have to but I would like to know what’s going on.”  
Bucky sighs, “I just feel like I don’t deserve you. You do so much for me and I feel like...” he shrugs, “like, you could do so much better.”  
Steve slowly swallows, it’s not an unusual remark but it doesn’t hurt any less. Fears of not being enough, of not making him feel like he’s enough.

“I’m sorry, please don’t be upset.”  
Steve exhales, “how could I not be? You don’t feel- I’m not making you feel valued. That’s upsetting.”  
Bucky wraps his arms around Steve’s torso, “it’s not your fault I’m like this, it’s not your fault for anything that’s happened. I’m just like this, I can’t even catch a fucking train.”  
“Is this about the train?”  
“Yes and no, it’s like, so many people can just catch the train with no issue at all, but I can’t. I can’t even do this one basic thing that everyone else seems to have no trouble with at all. It feels shitty.”

Steve starts rubbing Bucky’s back again, “would it help if I went with you?”  
“You really don’t have to-“  
“I want to. Would it help?”  
“Yes, I think it would.” Bucky squeezes Steve in his arms, Steve returns the favour.

“When would you like to try?” Steve softly whispers into his ear.  
Bucky goes red, “I’m not sure, can we sit here for a little while longer?”  
Steve kisses his forehead, “of course.”

Bucky raises his head and kisses Steve on the lips, who opens his mouth and kisses back. Letting go of his torso, Bucky repositions his arms around Steve’s neck, pulling them closer. When they do finally break off, Bucky is panting. They smile at each other, gazing into each other’s eyes.

Steve moves Bucky’s hair behind his ears and kisses his forehead again, “just let me know when you’re ready, we’ll go at your pace”.

**Author's Note:**

> I have plans for this to have another chapter, but I’m not sure how much more I’ll write. Thank you for reading!


End file.
